It's been a long year. It's been a hard year. But I feel like I have gotten over the worst of my grief and am starting to move forward in a positive direction. I will admit that I was at my lowest at the end of September and beginning of October. That was my mom's favorite time of year. And that was when my parents' anniversary was. I was struggling in a pretty big way - missing my mom, wanting to talk to someone (or alternately not wanting to talk or see anyone at all), unable to really talk with anyone, feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities, suffering from lack of sleep, unable to cook or clean, having nothing to give to my children or my husband, struggling to breathe deeply, as well as feeling very insecure and uncomfortable in my clothes. But through the support of my husband and the peace that comes from depending on God, I've been able to start the process towards healing.
The turning point for me came in early October. I was very depressed at that time and really struggling to try to keep our homeschool going and to just provide the very basics for life to my children. And I knew that I could not continue much longer. I took one of my husband's days off and left the children with him while I went out for the day. I took a little time to shop for some clothes that flattered me and then I went to the one place that I knew I would be completely alone for the rest of the day - the place where I could meet with God and really face my loss and search for healing. I went to our church. That afternoon, I poured my heart out. I wrote and I cried. I prayed and I cried. I asked questions and I cried. I read my bible and I cried. And by the time I left the church that evening, I felt loved and heard. I had finally found my words again, and what a difference that made.
I know that there still will be difficult days ahead. There are still many more firsts to go through. However, I am not tearing up every time I think of my mom and that is huge! I am able to breathe deeply. I can share my joys and struggles with my husband or friends. I am finding it a little easier to manage in my home. (Although today, after a week of dealing with a nasty virus, it looks worse than ever. At least I have a plan of attack on shaping up my home.) I'm still trying to get back on track with providing meals to my family. More often than not, my husband comes home in the evening and has to prepare dinner. But that is happening a little less frequently now. Most importantly, I know that God is walking with me and that I can face each new challenge with courage because He is with me.